i walk too fast

Today in my nursing psychology class, they had us take an anxiety test. I scored fairly low in anxiety levels, but let me tell you this was not always the case.

In eighth grade, I was an over-achiever-to-the-max. I would spend hours on my homework. I would type everything, including my P.E. notes. My P.E. notes people! But it wasn't just ordinary typing, it including bolding, italicizing, inserting pictures, and making some words different colors. My teachers loved me, but I was miserable. I felt like I should always be doing homework and did just that: always did homework.

My dear, sweet parents, would catch me doing homework, and tell me I really didn't need to be doing it. But, I didn't believe them. I felt like everyone else was doing this much homework too. I would start sneaking doing homework, mostly trying to type my P.E. notes when my parents were out of the house, so they wouldn't see me doing it.

I had OVER one hundred percent(a feat that is only possible in junior high, I wish they still gave extra credit in college from a few crosswords) in every class. I got the highest grade on almost every test.

Not only was I doing homework ALL-THE-TIME, but I was going to dance 10+ hours a week, piano lessons and practicing, and voice lessons and practicing, and playing the violin and practicing. I was super-super busy. But I was not happy.

Finally, after being caught again on the computer typing my P.E. notes, my parents decided they needed to intervene. They called all my teachers and told them the problem, and let them know they should not expect the same quality of work. I was closely monitored while doing my homework and was only allowed to do the minimum. It KILLED me and I was so embarrassed, and mad. Doesn't this sound like a drug intervention? I joke about it now, but it was a huge embarrassing, painful part of my life then. I truly had to recover and get over my anxiety. I am so thankful for my perceptive parents who nipped that in the bud before it got too bad.

Well, today I was in my psychology class, pondering about my experience with anxiety and thinking how I am pretty laid back at most times of my life. ( though, i am not perfect and still can't sleep before clinical days and i sometimes have to repress feelings of anxiety about if i really did put that assignment in my backpack) Well, I discovered that I am pretty much healed of anxiety at this point in my life, but there is still one remaining factor that I cannot seem to get rid of, due to my over-achieving ways. And that is: I walk at a fantatical pace.

I walk so fast, I feel light headed and can't breathe. Its more like a sprint. I need to slow down and soak in all the goodness that is around me. I have been missing so much beauty all these years. I tried it today. It felt good. So, if you see me walking slowly, pat me on the back. If I sprint past you, yell at me. Help me get rid of my last symptom.

It took me until my junior year of college to truly realize, I can be happy at any busy-time of my life. I HAVE to make time to relax and know that I am the most important thing in my life and I need to be happy with myself and let go of stress. Choose not to be stressed.

I realized that I need to feel the love that Heavenly Father feels for me and I know that He loves me, even if I don't have perfect grades or run 5x a week. If Heavenly Father can love me for my imperfections, than I can too. I can always try to do better, but I can love myself through my journey. I'm not going to be perfect or better all at once. I guess that's why Heavenly Father gave us a lifetime to try. We don't have to run at a fanatical pace to get to perfection, we need to enjoy the journey on the way there.

So I guess that is what I am trying to do. I am going to walk more slowing literally and figuratively and let the world throw me what it may. But I will be walking slow enough to see that the objects being thrown are flowers and not thorns. I will be able to see the joys in the journey, the joys of jennif.

Here is to joy! Your joy and my joy!

Signing out and taking time to smell the roses,

Jen